Sunday, December 20, 2009

...and counting

That little countdown timer in the sidebar is getting awfully low.

I am kind of afraid of it.

All this time, I've been so excited about this whole process, and it never occurred to me the awesome responsibility that goes along with really, truly being an adult. I mean, it did. But the gravity of it all is just... Insane. It's not just bills and jobs and not being able to take my laundry home and do it for free at my parent's house. Home is MY house. The one that I share with my husband. And at my house, we have a coin operated laundry room.

But it's also not being able to go to my mother first with my problems, and my issues. She's always been my confidante, and my help. But now, it's not her job to tell me what to do. It's my job to go to Nathan with my problems, issues, questions, and puzzle them out with him first. I just know that I will have to catch myself before pressing the call button many, many times before I break the habit of calling her first. And I want to talk to Nathan. I love talking to Nathan. But my mom has always been there. And now my relationship with her is changing. Everything is changing. And it's scary.

But... in all of this, one thing has remained constant from the beginning. I have never felt a need to question Nathan's involvement in this. I have never said to myself: "I wonder if I'm settling..." or "Is he really IT?" Nathan, throughout this whole twisty, turny, evolving process, has been the constant. Since the very first time I asked myself if I loved him (and the answer was yes) I have never wondered about where this would go, or why him, or if he's really the one. He has never been the part that makes me nervous.

So as we go into the last 24 hours, I'm not as scared as I could be, as I have been. Because I realized that with Nathan beside me, things won't ever be as bad as I imagine. And sometimes they'll be sillier, and lovelier, and always things will be more wonderful and memorable.

I love you, my penguin. All through the eternities.

And even though I am a little nervous - I'm not afraid anymore. Because I know that I am with you.

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